Times Readers Demand More Anti-Trump Content In Exchange For Hostages [Satire]

The following is satirical.

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has announced a new editorial policy designed to deal with the "special problems and challenges of covering Donald Trump when we hate him so much he makes our scalps break out in hives."

Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third said he designed the new policy in response to reader insights and staff suggestions in the hopes that this would convince the readers and staff to return their hostages unharmed. Mr. Third made the announcement at a hastily called town hall staff meeting when he placed the policy inside a soda bottle full of gasoline, set it on fire, and then hurled it into the midst of swirling tear gas, then ran for his life.

According to Mr. Third the new policy will address the fact that covering the news in the Trump era presents a dilemma because "On the one hand, we have a journalistic responsibility to try to get at the truth of every story while on the other hand there is absolutely no possibility that we're going to do anything like that."

Under the new policy, Mr. Third says every headline, every story and even some of the former paper's punctuation will be designed to "convey just how very, very much everyone who works here wants to see this president crushed, preferably under a press machine like the metal cyborg skeleton at the end of Terminator but politically if that's the best we can do."

For instance, the paper will now run such news headlines as "Hurricane Hits Coast But It's Trump Who Blows," "Experts Say Soaring Trump Economy Will Soon Crash Killing Thousands," and "Mad Trump-like Gunman Goes on Trump-like Rampage Firing Trump-Like Gun Inspired by Trump." Editorial writers will be allowed more latitude to use headlines such as, "Die, Monster, Die," and "Oh, How I Hate Hate Hate Him," after first clearing them with torch-wielding readers.

With the new guidelines, Mr. Third said, the ex-newspaper should be able to move beyond out-of-date journalistic practices like integrity.